The secret life of Alice in Wonderland

I don't know what type of eating disorder I have, but i know it controls me. I don't know why it's taking over me like that. When I binge, its like an invisible desire that force me to eat even if i'm so not hungry, even if i'm full, I just have to eat, anything, anything that's eatable , I become like an animal that needs to be feed...i'm scared of myself.

And then the guilt comes. And it's always like that, but I restart every time. The same pattern, binge and then fast, binge and purge, binge and exercise. I can easily stand fasting, but at the moment that I eat something its over. It's all or nothing. Fuck the challenge. This week is nothing.

I can't stand myself anymore, i would like to be able to get rid of all this fat that covers my body, my beautiful bones...I don't care what its gonna take, i just need to be thin...i need it...like breathing... or I'll suffocate....