Oups I did it again

I vomit for the second time.

Outside, in a street near my house.

I'm so pathetic...

Here 's a little food summary of my weekend:

Friday (discusting) = 2 kashi bar (300 calories) + 1 bowl of cereals (220 calories) + 1 yaourt (80 calories) + blueberries (60 calories) + 2 soda cookie (20 calories) = 680 calories

Saturday= 1 bowl of soup (100 calories) + 10 little reese (75 calories) = 175 calories

Sunday (worst food day, but a really NICE one with my BFF) = 1 bowl of cereal (250 calories) + 1 cookie (80 calories) + 1 apple (90 calories) + Chips (120 calories) + 1 oatmeal patty (200 calories) = 740 calories

You're a true friend, you're here until the end.

I'm having a really really nice time here, with my BFF. It's actually pretty cool to be together just like it used to be. I missed her a lot, and I wish we could pass more time like that. 

Today we went shopping and then to a movie. It was cool and I also met some of her friends here :)

I told her everything about my disease. It was hard, but I knew she already knew it. I think it was important and that I did the right thing. Just to say that she is really awesome and that I can't dream of a better friend then she is.

Gaby I love you sweet pea !

I knew it

Fuck off, I knew that I shouldn't have eaten that bowl of cereal. I felt guilty, so I continue eating and I ate at supper, for the first time this week, and I ate like a freaking pig. I'm now feeling as fat as hell and also as much guilty. I can't believe that I'm so weak...No control at all, not even able to do one week without a binge. I wanna try to throw up again, but I promise too many people that I wouldn't do it again...a I just want to say fuck them and take all these things out of my body. My stomach hurts so much...

Tomorrow, I'm gonna be like 200lbs on the scale. FUCK. I hate this. I hate my lack of control. I hate my stupid heart that at first forced me to eat.

Just another pathetic day of my life

My heart was hurting a lot, so I decided to eat a bowl of cereals...It's the first time that it can full me as much as now. I hate myself for not being able to eat, and I hate myself when I do eat. What am I suppose to do in all of this?

Total: Cereals (220 calories)

Burberry - Fall 2010

I might sound weird, but I feel so full after my apple...and now i feel guilty...i know it's just an apple, but because of that one, I'm gonna gain some weight and I'll never reach my goal.
Here's some pictures from the Burberry runway for Fall 2010.

Why don't you tell me what's on your mind

This weekend I'm going at my best friend's house, that lives far, far away from me (3 hours). I don't know what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna past 3 complete days with her...I don't wanna eat. I don't want to mess everything that I've done now. I can't eat. I'm just not able to put something in my mouth without spitting it or just take a little piece. I'm not gonna be able to eat in front of her parents. I can't believe that I might be forced to eat...what if I gain all the weight that I've lost...no...

Feeling as if the whole world knew it...

I've lost 3 more pounds,  I'm now down at 130,2 !

Today was really a mess, for two reasons. First, I had an exam about something that we weren't supposed to study (that means that I totally FAILED it) and second, the reference at my school at whom I told about my problem, told the director and an other person, and all of that without my authorization! I got to say she asked for it AFTER! Nice...So in fact I'm sort of feeling very, very bad... there's too much people knowing it now and I hate it. Before, I could easily lie to my parents because nobody knew...but now that a bunch of people does...I'm feeling like i'm betraying them :(

Even if the person at school did a horrible job on that one, she's still nice because she asked my director if I could redo my exams an other time if my grades are really bad.

Today:
1/4 simili-meat + 1 apple (90 calories) = 142 calories

:)

After the last weeks passed doing some binge, I had gain 5 pounds :O !
The good new, is that I've lost it in 2 days! So I'm back to my 133. And, if I continue not eating, I think I could be at 129 on Friday! That would be the most incredible gift that I could have for celebrating the end of my exam week.

I don't have any concentration at school, and I think I'm failing most of my exams right now... it's the first time something like that happens to me...

MY REPORT CARD IS GONNA SUCK

haven't eat today, until I went to my friend's house(haha I know you're gonna read this, anyway)...well I'm sort of stressed because I'm going to meet a specialized person in like 2h30... damn, i juts don't know what I'm gonna say... I'm so scared....maybe they won't accept me, maybe they'll say I don't have any problems...

Total for today: 2 chicken nuggets (120 calories) + 6 french fries ( 80 calories) + 1 coffee latte (90 calories + 1/3 apple (30 calories)+ 6 little tomatoes (48 calories)= 368 calories

I'm sort of having a panic attack, they're gonna find me as fat has hell, and they won't believe me, and then I'll just make a fool of myself...

I hate this whole thing.

"Women of today are slowly, but surely, being murdered by Beauty."

Total:     
350 calories

Because:
250 calories --> My parents forced me to eat a cabbage cigar
90 calories --> An apple to avoid a major binge 
10 calories --> Cucumber 






1http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/122316/deadly_beauty_self_image_and_self_esteem.html?cat=69

Good job, you deserve an A+

I talked with my boyfriend about the specialized place, and he was really comprehensive, (I thought he would forced me to go or something like that) he really understands that I wasn't necessarily ready to do that, and he just said:"Anyway, I'm proud of you my love, you made a big step. Now you can go at you own rhythm."

I haven't eat yet today. And I wont eat until tomorrow. Or maybe I won't eat tomorrow neither. I just hope I'll be fine for my exams.

I don't know what type of eating disorder I have, but i know it controls me. I don't know why it's taking over me like that. When I binge, its like an invisible desire that force me to eat even if i'm so not hungry, even if i'm full, I just have to eat, anything, anything that's eatable , I become like an animal that needs to be feed...i'm scared of myself.

And then the guilt comes. And it's always like that, but I restart every time. The same pattern, binge and then fast, binge and purge, binge and exercise. I can easily stand fasting, but at the moment that I eat something its over. It's all or nothing. Fuck the challenge. This week is nothing.

I can't stand myself anymore, i would like to be able to get rid of all this fat that covers my body, my beautiful bones...I don't care what its gonna take, i just need to be thin...i need it...like breathing... or I'll suffocate....

the worst challenge i ever did

apple (90 calories)
egg (85 calories)
kashi granola bar (160 calories)
banana (100 calories)
olives (75 calories)
pistachio (125 calories)
spaghetti (360 calories)
-----------------------------
Total: 995 calories

I did what I said I would. I feel disgusting. I'm fighting hard against the urge to go to the bathroom. I don't wanna start to throw up on a regular basis, no i won't.

I've decided to try to eat "normally" for a while cause i'm in my exams and I know that if I don't eat i'm not gonna be able to concentrate. I'll try to eat for 800-1000 calories per day (god...), but only super healthy things. This morning I forced myself to take an egg with my apple, because it has a lot of proteins. I haven't studied yet...

Yesterday I vomited for the first time while my parents were away, and I liked it...It's horrible, but I loved that feeling that my binge was erased just after vomiting... I'm gonna sound innappropriate but I can't wait to start again...

I did it. I finally purged. it's wrong to say, but it felt so good.

A friend of mine - Winter 2010

I've been screwed!!!!!!!! Damn, I checked the nutritional facts on a yoghurt before I bought it and it was about 150 calories, which I already thought was a lot, but then after I've eat it all, i realized that it was for 100 g, and the yoghurt was 200 g. I'm so upset! That makes 300 calories for a f****g yoghurt.

Open your eyes and keep them open

I'm actually at a little coffee, studying for my exam week. The day is gonna be long but I'm happy because I'm gonna be alone all day long (even at dinner). I think I'll just take a yaourt, an apple and my kashi bar to give me some energy for my studying time (and for sure a LOT of coffee).  I'll also try to get to bed early to make a good night of sleep :)

Douce neige, froide et glaciale
Virevoltant dans ce ciel solitaire

Naissant seule, sans père ni mère

Inconsciente du bien ou du mal

Petite en bas, la tête si relevée 

Te regardant danser et fondre

Pour mieux se morfondre

Elle se surprend à te jalouser

Toi si insouciante, esprit libre

Elle voudrait elle aussi disparaître

Chassant de sa tête son maître

Brisant son précieux équilibre

Matin froid, triste et morne

Petite rêve d'un monde bien

Où celui-ci n'a ni début ni fin

Sans elle, minuscule maritorne

I went on the website of the organization where i can receive some help... There was a quiz on their website to know if we should ask for help or not, and it said to me that I should...anyway, I don't believe it...or maybe I do...i'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea...

I went to do some winter activities today... and many of my friends asked me some questions at dinner to understand why I wasn't eating. My casual friends are used to it, but the others aren't...it's weird when you have to say that your "friends" find it normal when you're not eating, and when they stop proposing you some food. How come they don't react? How come they don't ask themselves some questions? I'm not gonna complain about it, but I just find it...how should I say...inappropriate...

2 bowls of cereals (440 calories) + 1 apple (80 calories) + 1 granola natural bar (210 calories) + 1 hot oatmeal bowl (160 calories) + 1 yaourt (80 calories) + 1 small orange (30 calories) = 1000 calories

oh my god... it's so disgusting... i can't believe that I've eat that much...i hate myself right now for my lack of control...it's horrible. I don't need help...i eat enough, i should say too much. damn. 

French is the new black

je ne veux pas guérir. je ne veux pas aller mieux. je veux rester dans mon malheur, dans ma douleur; celle qui me procure tant de bien et à la fois tant de mal. Je ne sais que faire, je suis dans une fourche et je dois choisir mon chemin, "La frontière entre bon et mauvais choix est presque impossible à définir." 

Peut-être que je m'inventes habilement des problèmes. Qui sait si ne suis qu'une jeune adolescente qui s'empiffre dû à sa gloutonnerie, et qui, pour compenser à sa gourmandise s'inflige quelques jours de jeûnes. Est-ce une maladie? Suis-je réellement atteinte de troubles du comportement alimentaire?

Est ce que c'est une maladie d'être mal dans sa peau, de détester qui l'on est, de vouloir changer coûte que coûte notre enveloppe corporelle, de juger l'apparence d'autrui, de vouloir atteindre la perfection, d'être ce que les autres ne sont pas, de vouloir avoir le contrôle sur tout en perdant totalement le contrôle, de jeûner quelques temps, de s'empiffrer sans aucune limite par la suite, de se lever la nuit pour ingérer de la nourriture en cachette, de tenter de se faire régurgiter de toutes ses forces, de s'entraîner à tous les jours le ventre vide et criant famine, de ne plus fermer l'oeil de la nuit parce que la faim nous déchire, d'avoir envie de lacérer son corps afin de se débarrasser de toute la saleté qui l'encombre soit toute cette graisse, de monter sur l'instrument de pesée plus de 10 fois par jour, de vivre constamment dans le mensonge, d'envier les autres, de compter et de recompter sans cesse chaque calorie ingérée, d'avoir comme seule obsession son poids et la nourriture, de croire que seule la maigreur nous rendra heureuse, de vivre sous les ordres d'une petite voix nommée Ana, de penser que tout le monde nous aimera quand la maigreur y sera, de craindre de montrer son corps aux autres de peur de se faire ridiculisée, de ne pas vouloir ingurgiter quelconque forme de nourriture en présence de personnes de peur que ceux-ci pensent "regardez la grosse qui s'empiffre", de subir la pression des gens autour de soi, d'avoir peur de ne pas répondre aux attentes qu'ils ont envers vous, de penser que l'on a aucun talent, de ne jamais éprouver de satisfaction envers soi-même, de s'isoler des autres, de vivre dans notre propre monde, d'avoir envie de tout abandonner, de ne plus rien faire, de se laisser mourir...

Est-ce une maladie? Réellement? ou ne suis-je qu'une jeune fille qui s'invente des problèmes pour obtenir l'attention qu'elle aimerait avoir...

J'ai une décision à prendre, je suis à la croisée des chemins, continuer et prendre l'aide que je peux, ou abandonner cette perche et devenir celle que je veux?

 

I haven't binged tonight, because I made sort of a tofu cake (low in calories and full of protein)! So it calmed my envy and it was very good :P

Except that I have to add 180 calories to my daily intake, and that makes a total of : 344 calories!

Abbey Lee Kershaw - Vogue Russia

200 calories day

I don't know what to do... today I went to see someone to get some help...she told me that I could go to some therapy group and all these stuffs to try to get out of this thing...we're supposed to call together on tuesday. I'm not sure if I'll do it... I so don't know...I can't...I don't want anybody to know it...and I'm scared that people are gonna judged me...i don't know what to do...

75 g of chicken (64 calories) + 140 g of vegetables (80 calories) + Fresh salad (20 calories) = 164 calories

I think that i'm going to go reach some help...
I,m not sure yet...but I'm tired to have this love/hate relation with food.
I just can do this anymore. Not eating, then do a huge binge. My weight is a constant yoyo...
But in a certain way, I don't want to get out of this shit, I don't want to stay fat for my whole life...

j'ai passé 45 minutes a essayer de vomir au dessus d'une toilette après une crise, rien a faire. Mes doigts touchent le fond de ma gorge encore et encore, mes muscles se contractent, mais rien ne sort. Mes yeux deviennent pleins d'eau et j'essai, j'essai, je contracte mon ventre, pousse dessus, le frappe, essaie de faire sortir tout ce que j'ai englouti, la toilette me regarde triomphante, me narguant de mon impuissance, me laissant mourir dans ma nourriture et ma graisse. je me sens souillé. tellement sale à l'intérieur de moi. j'aimerais pouvoir nettoyer tout ça, que sa sorte...tout de suite...

I'm just a loser...

DAMN!
I don't know what's happening! Since the beginning of february, I've never binged that much...it's incredible...It's the first time that i'm able to eat a that much huge amount of food in like 20 min...it's disgusting...I don't even tasted what I've ate...

- Cereals (200)
- Apple (90)
- Muffin (200)
- Walnut (120)
- Salted cookie (50)
- Lindor chocolate (90)
- Apple sauce (250)
- 1/4 of cake (250)
- 1/2 banana (45)
- Hot chocolate (220)
- Toblerone (200)

Total: 1715 calories

Day total : 255 + 1715 = 1965 - 450= 1515

AND MORE AFTER

Ksenia Kahnovich for Byblos Spring - Summer 2010

Today = -195

I haven't eat today, I just couldn't. I eat at dinner for my parents...some veal, it's low in fat and in calories,  so I sort of accept it...I'm still mad to have been forced to eat.

I'm not gonna fallow the ABC for tomorrow, I think, instead, I'll fast.

still fighting with my boyfriend.

i just want to binge and kill my sadness with chocolate and cake

i wish things could be easier...

no link, but I love him - Robert Pattinson (Details March 2010)

500

i had a good day until my parents made a big dinner where i had no way out :(

Lucky me, i went to the gym so I think my daily calorie intake is gonna be respected...

Hot oatmeal weight control (150 calories) + 1 apple (80 calories) + 1 banana (90 calories) + 2 small oranges (60 calories) + 100 g of pork sirloin (158,4 calories) + 2 tiny potatoes (130 calories) + 1 bowl of salad (75 calories) - 45 minutes of elliptical bike (430 calories) =  (743,4-430) = 313,4 calories

i feel horrible :(

                                          I feel like smoking

I had a fight with my boyfriend... he knows that my self-esteem is low as hell, and the first thing he tells me when I said that I've sent my inscription for College, is that it's not sure that I'll have a place and if there's not, well I'll have to change of program and there's not gonna be a place in that one too for me, and that I'll end with the most basic and bad program ever...I was like : FUCK YOU! 

I miss my best friend. Very much... We were the same...I need her right now...I want to told her everything...I do...even thoe I'm sure she already knows it...I just wanna be with her right now and hold her in my arms...

I don't feel like I belong where I am, I would like to live somewhere else...Like in Paris with coffee and cigarettes, fashion and high heels. Sometimes, I dream about a life where I have a best friend who would come at my house after school, with whom I would do anything, laugh about littlest things, understand each other by the force of our thoughts... just like it used to be...

Baby please, dry your tears, a new time's gonna come...

Sweet Frida Gustavsson

(Twiggy shot)

500 calories day

Haven't weight myself today, I'm waiting a little bit, cause i know it will just discourage me. I went to the gym, but I couldn't have my casual machine, I was sort of upset :( In fact I didn't burn as much calories as I use to...Anyway, I respected my daily intake, so it's a good news! ABC's starting on the right foot!

Banana (90 calories) + Apple (90 calories) + 1/2 tofu and hummus tortillas (167 calories) + small orange (30 calories)+ 1 yaourt (40 calories) = 407 calories

Sport: 10min of Bike + 15 min of Cardio Wave + 10 min of elliptical bike + 500 situps

I got to say I'm proud of myself, because yesterday at night I wrote a song (see last post) and I recorded it! haha! The funniest thing is that someone was listening to my Ipod today and that person thought it was a real song by a singer :P I find it kind of funny.

Today, my friends in class were talking about themselves and how much they want to lose weight...it's probably gonna sound weird, but I feel it's like a competition that I got to win, I got to reach my goal before them...

Song I've written

Analyse

Mama I used to cry

Mama I used to lie

Time has past, time is gone

Standing outside all alone

Waiting for a sign

Waiting for my life

I ruined all that I had

Disappointed my dad

I can't look at myself

She killed me in my cell

I was innocent and lost

She gave me her hands

Just wanted to be Kate moss

Never searched for my end

[I'm sorry mommy

I know you loved me

I'm sorry daddy,

you always trusted me]

I swear she's attractive

I swear she's vicious

She likes to see you weak

She makes you feel sick

With nothing in your stomach

Telling you your worst part

Time has past, time is gone

Sitting in the dark all alone

Tears falling down my cheek

I know she won't let me live

I used to believe in me

I used to think I was pretty

She took my entire life

And torned it with a knife

Never looked back to what she did

I'm fading throught the night

[I'm sorry mommy

I know you loved me

I'm sorry daddy,

you always trusted me] 

Love Abbey Lee Kershaw